Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
