So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
