I can text with my tongue
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
