i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
