I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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