Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
