How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
