I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
