Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
