this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He? As in you personified your dick?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
