i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
is wine microwaveable?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
