I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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