It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
