You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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