Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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