Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
