we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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