If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
