I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
