.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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