I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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