you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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