Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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