Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just want to make out with him forever
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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