he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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