you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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