I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i came on her dog
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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