I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
