He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
