im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
