i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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