I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
