I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
