I am in a vortex of obligation.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
