I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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