By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
