grandma shit on top of the toilet
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
