saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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