This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
last night I used snow as a chaser
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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