Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
