I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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