I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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