"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
