You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize