ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
