My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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