rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
