Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
