I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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