Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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