Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
