Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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