i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
