Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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