dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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