I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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