don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
