she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
