I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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