I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
