Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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