Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
