I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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