I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
