I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
